Wednesday Blues
“The entropy of the universe will always balance itself.”
Fearing the nearing future because it equates to a steadier path. I will have to pick up the fork and stick it in my pocket for a while...walk a few years, weeks, months--north, in any direction.
My arms are tied, crossed before me, strings attached to my wrists, and that when you pull the ends I spin and spin, like a top on this turnstile rock. Vices make me lost, but also dependency makes me lost, thinking I have found myself within another already made self...or thing.
Letting go. Letting go. I watch the present pass, calling it past, now accepting what's passed, but never tolerating the pain that comes with it in its entirety.
How do I become the next me when the last version must be undone? The sweater I knit last winter must be what I am tangled in, the undoings of myself now wrapping me up. I will cut free: break, claw, dance, smile, lay, rest, love until I am out and I find my footing again. I have made a "choice", I choose to not deal.
To not deal.
To not deal.
Who gave me unsupervised control and responsibility of my own life? I wonder when I will start feeling qualified enough for the experiences I have some how pulled off. It feels less like I have accomplished something and more as though I have just gotten away with it. I know that I know nothing, yet also the more I know the more I know, and then get further from the truth...things get complicated. It gets harder to remember I don't know anything. I know what I want and what my opinions of my knowledge are...however, my thoughts are subjective and I don't necessarily have a reason to share this knowledge at all. Some thoughts are simply a regurgitation of factoids and phrases, meaningless to anyone but myself. We sit here endlessly sharing brain waves: how my thoughts relate to your thoughts...or don't. We eventually begin to create new thoughts regarding our old thoughts (reader, the term "thoughts" here can be interpreted as synonymous to values, or even opinions), or her old thoughts, and we'll get angry at some point when we can't find a common ground. What we once accepted or agreed upon can fade and fizzle, boil over, sometimes leading to the demise of a relationship between two people. We cry over the spilled milk; the hot, burned, curdled milk. Boo. Hoo.
The love doesn't have to end, not before it's begun, simply over our unaligned "thoughts". I won't let go, it never is me that lets go...let's love go, go away that is. I will let you go, however, if you decide to, I cannot spend my valuable minutes chasing a confused heart, I am too occupied maintaining my own balance for me to go on your journey for you. You is anyone. Maybe the you I write about is me.
I wish to open up the depths of my soul to someone, but for now it remains clandestine, left to the lines of these pages, ones which I alone will read, and read, and read, until they are no longer true (because words lose their meaning the more we use them) and I am happy again- plateaued. When life levels again and I begin to reach a new peak I will find myself within a "new normal" which will prove these think-thoughts wrong.
Are there enough hours within the day to use up full potential? I am using the full potential of my body, its physical capacity for lust, vices, and surface level connections. I hold back. I held back. I hold back more now because mystery can be enchanting, but I tell myself it is because I share too much...selfishly. I read into nonverbal cues intently, sometimes more intently than the audible ones. Body language communicates more than words can, often expressing what the mouth won't, but these are subjective opinions of my thoughts on someone else's subjective opinions of my thoughts. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go of what you think, of what you think you know.
